As Seen On Red Eye

So... there I am, faithfully tuned in to Red Eye (even tho I record it for viewing at a more reasonable hour but always watch it live - go figger) when Gutfeld drops a frickin' bomb on me: the zodiac has been wrong for about a thousand years or so and people who think they know what their astrological sign is are wrong.  

Oh Shit, Oh Dear.

So you know what we did next: straight to Google.  And it's as bad as I feared: I'm a frickin' Pisces.  No longer can I lay claim to these characteristics:

The Aries is guided by flashes of intuition and irresistible impulse. He is a fiery dynamo who is driven by a constant desire to forge ahead into new territories. When Aries sets his sights on a goal, it becomes an all-enveloping quest. The Aries native never gives up, but moves ever forward with an obstinate force of will. Like all fire signs, he constantly feels vital energy pulsing through him, and he must use that energy or burn up!

Aries strives for independence, and success is defined by a series of distinctive or high-reaching personal achievements. Coming in first or accomplishing the impossible are the ultimate goals. Athletes, entrepreneurs, soldiers, doctors, religious leaders, race car drivers and explorers are all associated with this sign. Aries does not fear danger, and accidents are all too common with this sign, particularly head injuries.

If the Aries seems brusque or disinterested it is because his mind is set on a goal that entirely absorbs his energy. Anything that interferes becomes an annoying distraction. Once the Aries sets his sights on someone or something, that becomes an urgent and immediate priority. If you are that goal, you can be sure that you will be showered with a love that burns as bright as the sun, and you can expect to be blessed with the greatest fire of devotion.

Nope.  That's not me.  Not any longer.  I'm now this guy...

Look deep into the eyes of a Pisces, and you will see a reflection all that is good in humanity. He has a heart of gold, instilled with a deep intuition into the feelings of others. Pisces understands people's loves and losses, and can become overwhelmed with the weight of the world. Yearning for the ideal, he can get lost in a sea of imagination and fantasy.

There are two fishes in the Pisces soul - one of spirit and one of flesh, one who would give himself entirely for others, and one who struggles to live in a harsh reality. Because the Pisces must survive, he can be a very determined, even selfish individual, yet he can turn around and give of himself so completely that you will feel sure he is really an angel. The Pisces loves others with a selfless purity that demands that you give him the utmost respect, and he will suffer dearly without it.

If Pisces seems confused, dreamy, sleepy or lazy, it is because he can't decide which way to go - should he tend to his own needs, or take care of someone else? If he's lucky, he'll find a way to do both at once. The Pisces who can serve himself while helping others is truly blessed.

The Pisces is naturally spiritual, imaginative and artistic. Like a fish, he sometimes needs to find a quiet, peaceful grotto in which to hide. If you catch him, you can count on him to be the dearest friend, a devoted child or parent and the most compassionate and caring of individuals.

Now I'm gonna have to learn how to deal with being confused all the time and adopt some sort of dreamy expression, which will be sorta hard after all these years of playing the stoic. I've already nailed the lazy and sleepy bits, so that's a good thing.  I'm at a loss to explain all those years of getting my ass kicked by The Second Mrs. Pennington for my incorrigible Type-A behavior, though.  Mebbe I was driven because I thought I was an Aries.  TSMP, OTOH, used to be a Gemini and is now a frickin' Bull.  There's no small amount of poetic justice there.

So.  Here, courtesy of the WaPo, is the new Zodiac line-up:

Capricorn: Jan. 20-Feb. 16
Aquarius: Feb. 16-March 11
Pisces: March 11-April 18
Aries: April 18-May 13
Taurus: May 13-June 21
Gemini: June 21-July 20
Cancer: July 20-Aug. 10
Leo: Aug. 10-Sept. 16
Virgo: Sept. 16-Oct. 30
Libra: Oct. 30-Nov. 23
Scorpio: Nov. 23-Dec. 17
Sagittarius: Dec. 17-Jan. 20

What are you, Gentle Reader?  What were you?  And do you even care?

Full disclosure:  I haven't read my horoscope in at least eight years.  Put another way: I don't really give a shit; it's just fun to play with.